Guys' Night Advice Column #9: Promise Keepers

Dear Guys' Night,

I feel awkward writing you, this is my first time seeking help in what I think is an otherwise perfect marriage. My wife and I have been married 22 beautiful years, we have 5 awesome kids, work is great, church is great. Promise Keeper? You betcha. You're looking at a six-year Promise Keeper veteran. Here's my issue. Recently I shared with my wife that I 'experimented' with some other boys while I was in high school. NOTHING GAY, just some mutual jack sessions, some role-playing blowjobs (we made sure to pretend to be girls!) the usual healthy teen boy stuff. My wife freaked out. She wants me to see our pastor for some counseling, but I told her this is completely normal. What do you think, GN?

Thanks,
Bob Prendergast
(attached is a photo of me and promise keepers founder Bill McCartney)






Dear Bob,

Your wife wants you to see some priest for counseling on what she thinks is "gay"?! That's just gonna be confusing. Priests are promise keepers too. To God. And if anyone can understand how a man who doesn't have sex with women needs some release by having a mutual jack sesh or a few role playing beejers, it's men of the cloth. Ask any doctor and he'll tell you that it's not healthy to hold in your business too long. And if you can't turn to your buddies for help, then they're not very good pals.

Guys in high school have enough pressure to be "cool" and before you learn how to hook up with a slammin' chick, you don't wanna water down your rep and chase after the hoaglys. It's better to just kick it with the fellas and get some practice in so when you finally score that tasty senior, you'll be able to get the j.o.b. d.o.n.e. If your wife didn't have any brothers in high school, she'd never understand. And if she did have some and they didn't ever have a few buddies over to shoot the shit and tug one down, then they must have been fucking nerds. I'm sure you've told your kids the same thing 'cuz you sound like a stand up guy.

I remember when I was 15, my buddies Karl and Vern and me used to play Sega Genesis hockey and loser had to help the winner out with a few spit soaked strokes. It was just a little healthy competition to help us do the right and healthy thing for our bodies.

The next time she brings it up, call her a lesbo and ask her how it feels to be judged. Because she sounds like she might be a lesbo. Otherwise she wouldn't be complaining. 6-year promise keeper? Maaaaaan, you must be layin' down some sweet pipe on the mad regular!

Thanks for writing,
-GN

Guys' Night Advice Column #8: SUCK IT!

Dear Guys' Night,

Last week I got special backstage passes to a WWE event, and the Degeneration X guys (Shawn Michaels and Triple H) kept doing their thing where they cross their arms over their crotches and say "SUCK IT!"

The thing was, we were alone in a green room together.

Ever since then, whenever I watch wrestling I get kind of a tingly feeling in my pants. Not a full hard on, just a little movement. Did they make me gay? Should I stop watching wrestling?

Sorry if this is weird, but I don't know who to ask about this.
-DX Fan


Dear DX Fan,

Even if you WERE gay, there's nothing gay about Degeneration X, so you wouldn't be into it anyway. To be honest, I get full on bad boners watching wrestling and other sports all the time. That doesn't mean I'm gay, DX Fan. Look, I've gotten an erection at the grocery store too, but that doesn't mean I'm some sort of food pervert.

Frankly, I'm sick and tired of people making hackneyed comments about how wrestling is "gay". First off, when they say it's "gay", it's used as a derogatory statement, and while all of us here at Guy's Night are just guy's bein' guys, we're no homophobes. I know this one guy from college who has a gay brother. True story.

Here's the other thing, Vince McMahon is no dummy. He markets to the fellas AND all the sexy gal wrestling fans. And if there's one thing the ladies can't resist, it's The Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels. That's why I keep pictures of him all over my West Hollywood apartment. It gets the ladies dizzamp! And that Triple H is no slouch himself. He's my buddy Karl's favorite wrestler. Karl says he's more "rugged".

HBK and Triple H pose down!

Suck it!

HBK!

Ha!


I keep this in my john for when the gals take a whiz before we get all nasty-nasty.

Shawn is so badass.

Triple H spewin' it! F-yeah! Take that Mr. McMahon!


The next time you watch wrestling, have a few buddies over and stare at their crotches. Bet you see more than a few tents. It'll make you feel better knowing it's not just you that gets electrified by the excitement of the WWE!

Suck it! (jk, ha!)

-Guys' Night

Guys' Night Advice Column #7: Mad Mentourage

What up Gizzo Nizzo!

You watch Entourage last night?! Man, that epp was off the chain! Basically, the whole show was about how Turtle has to go to his first day of college in his Maserati, Vince comes with, then, 5-minutes after being there, Vin goes up to the room of a sexy co-ed and gives her a bit of the old Chase charm while he video tapes it. SO good. One of the best yet.

My buddies know what a fan I am and even call me "Drama". And they've all said that "If you like Entourage, you gotta watch Mad Men! Those guys REALLY know how to live."

So I DVR'd Mad Men and gave it a whirl. Umm...how can I put this so I don't puke?

(spoiler alert)

The whole episode was about two guys making out and giving each other tugs. I couldn't find the remote fast enough. Even alone in my locked apartment I was afraid someone would walk in or see what I was watching through the window.

Basically, my boys pulled a fast one on me to make me watch that queer show and I want to know how to get them back. What's a good burn?

-Dramz



Dramz,

I don't know how to break it to you, but I actually don't think you were set up. I watched MM last night and like you, was bit thrown off by the gay jack off scene.

But I rewound it 6 or 10 times just to try and figure out what REALLY was going on there and I think I've got the answer.

See, Mad Men times was way back in the '80s when porn wasn't really coming into it's own yet. Chicks still had bushes and stuff and the guy's weren't nearly as thick and long and shaved down and they didn't have ripped abs like they do now. There was alot of confusion. So sometimes, guys had to help each other out with how business goes down. I know it might sound weird, but it totally wasn't a gay thing at all for one guy to give a hands on tutorial of how to get the nasty. Just one guy helpin' out another guy. No big deal. Remember, this was the '80s when there wasn't the internet. It was pretty messed up back then. Plus, guys had to work alot. So with no time to cheat on their wives and sore hands from laboring, you had to have another dude help you get that release. Think of it like soldiers in a war doing something brave. And if you wanna call soldiers gay, then buddy, you've got some problems coming.

But, if you still want to get back at your buds for something else, I like to sneak my buddy Karl's phone from him, change his girl's number to my name, then take a picture of my balls with my phone in the bathroom and send it to him with the message, "Hey baby, check this out."

He's usually so embarrassed he just smiles and doesn't say anything about it. Burn!

Lates,
-GN

Guys' Night Advice Column #6: Manscapage

Dear Guy's Night,

My girlfriend was complaining about how all of her friend's boyfriends "manscape" and I'm the only one who doesn't. She said I was "nasty" down there and that's why she rarely gives me a blow-j. So to surprise her later, I took my Mach 5 for a little spin around my business in the shower this morning. Well, I've got a few problems. Goose, I need ya buddy.

1. The hair around my frolic zone is really lush and blends out into my legs and my stomach. So now, my thang thang looks like a sad little tree left in a field after a nuclear bomb went off.

2. I cut my sack up pretty bad and might need some stitches but I'm taking the "wait and see" approach.

3. I forgot about all the scars under there from a childhood tree climbing accident that I must have blocked out. Looks not so good.

4. I thought trimming was supposed to make your junk look bigger? This has not happened. In fact, it's quite the opposite.

Monday night is our "sex night". I can't show her this. It looks just terrible. Really awful dude. What the shit should I do?

Hope you can help,
-Patches



Dear Patches,

First off. Do. Not. Panic. I can totally relate, in high school wrestling, part of freshman initiation was to get held down by the coach while all the other guys took a Bic stroke at your goodness. I'm no stranger to getting an erection while other guys shave your stuff. It's embarrassing, I know. But there's nothing wrong with guys bein' guys. Just masturbate to a Hustler and you'll be all man again.

I think you asked about that right? I could just reread your question but I'm too lazy and hungover to look at it again.

Glad to help brotha!
-GN

Guys' Night Advice Column #5: Red Sox

Whaaaasuuuuuup Guy's Night!

Lately, my girlfriend has been all raggin' on me about leaving on my Red Sox cap when we have sex. I mean, I wear it backwards, natch, so it's not like there's a bill poking her in the face. And she knows I never take it off after the all-star break, especially at this crucial part of the season. I've been wearing that hat for 4-years, unwashed and backwards, and it's a good luck charm. Dude, if I could tell you the shit I've been in with that hat. Fights after Sox games, getting arrested for public urination after Sox games, the one time I fingered that old waitress at Who's On First after the Sox beat the Yankees. You get the drift. Good memories. I've been through more with that hat then I have with her. I tell her all the time but it won't sink in. But what really bugs me is that last season she was cool with it. She thought it was "cute". I really like her, almost to the "l-word" point, but my first love will always be the the Sox. What should I do?
-Wade Fenway



WF,

Dude.




Why are you dating a girl during baseball season? Are you wicked homo?

And wasn't this the plot to that gay Jimmy Fallon/Drew Barrymore movie? Pretty sure it was. I saw it like 6 times with my buddy Karl.



No offense, but that's another reason I don't like the Red Sox. That was best guy's movie they could come up with? Little Jimmy Fallon and Grossout Drew Barrymore? I'm a Detroit fan, and we did it right.




See man, if your team is gonna make a baseball movie, you gotta get a badass guy's guy actor to star in it like Kevin Costner. K-Cost!



He's the total package. K's not some young kid, he's an old school tough guy that the ladies can't get enough of. I don't know whether it's his eyes, strong All-American physique or borderline fatherly sexuality that keeps 'em comin' back for more. I just know it works for us when me and the boys are just hangin' out in my basement in the off season, crackin' a few cold brews and watching some Costner flicks.


You can really see how the broads just swoon over this guy's guy. Such a hot piece...for the gals!



Check it out!



GET SOME, Sox fans! Uh uh uh!



We'll totally watch anything with KC in it. He's like an honorary Tig! Of course, no one gets the primo poster spot over my bed but the main man, Thomas:




Hope this helps!


-GN


P.S.- The Tigers are gonna be balls deep in your Red Soxy Fengay asses in the playoffs.

Guys' Night Advice Column #4: Smokin' Stogies

Dear Guys' Night,

Yo yo! 'Sup 'Sup!

I was mackin' to this fine ass girl at Avalon in H-wood on Saturday and thought I had the kitty in the bag. I wanted to make her think I wasn't TOO into her, so I took it outside for a sec to smoke this badass stogie I got from my buddy Erik at his bachelor party.

When I went back inside, she was all like, "Ugh, you totally stink like cigar smoke. Gross." Then I tried to flip the script on her and said in my best Rick James voice, "Whatever. YOU stink you stink ass bitch!" Then tried to laugh it off.

That's when her friend was like, "come to the bathroom with me". I thought they were gonna come back ready to split to the crib with me and my buddy Karl, but they never did.

So:

1. Why are chicks so lame about smokin'? Kid Rock does and he made it with the hottest on the planet.



and

2. What are the funniest comebacks to make some girl think you're not into her but will still make her laugh and make it easier to get that nasty-nasty?


Thanks for the help GN,
Rick James Bitch


'Sup 'Sup RJB,

First off, don't beat yourself up about ANY of this. If you wanna smoke a fine cigar, smoke it. Wherever and whenever. And if women don't like it, they can suck it. I belong to this awesome mens only sauna in West Hollywood with a couple of my boys. Some nights when we're out at the club just dancin' our asses off, and all the girls must be on a code red because they aren't into even my BEST moves, we just say fuck it, GUY'S NIGHT, and hit the steam. There's always a bunch of chill guys there and there aren't any lame rules. It's towel optional, so of course everyone just goes buck so the boys can get some steam too. Besides, you can barely see in there it's so thick and they always pump the hottest house music so you can keep the par-tay goin'. AND, look man, if you've got a serious case of the blues brothers because of all the cold fish at the club grindin' and then ditching your ass, alot of the guys just feel free to tug one out. No big deal. Honestly, I haven't done it yet, I've just watched a bunch of times trying to work up the courage.

Oh, and you can smoke a cigar or cigarette or a joint or whatever in there too if you want. No one cares. It's all about relaxation.

I'll hit you up on AIM and maybe we can cruise over together sometime. I love a good cigar. And I always light it up with one of these bad boys:



Women forget all about things like cigar smoke when they're already pre-soakin' for your E-hard Zippo.


As far as crackin' up the ladies goes, just be yourself and do what you think is funny. My old standby is to go into lispy homo mode and break out some Just Jack. Chicks love that show. Plus, it shows that you're open minded and sensitive.

But for reals, if she didn't laugh at the Rick James bit, then it's best you leave that stick stuck in the mud. Ahm Rock Jahmes botch! Yeeeaah Baby!

Check your AIM later.

Peace Out,
GN

Guys' Night Advice Column #3: Livin' The Dream

You ask, we answer! Just one guy helpin' out another guy. It's no big deal!


'Sup Guys' Night!

I'm a 38-year old guy's guy. I love being single and having freedom. What can I say, I LIKE having stacks of empty pizza boxes in the living room. I LIKE being able to build a beer can pyramid on the coffee table if I want. And if I want to get high on a Tuesday and eat a Hormel Chili sandwich over the sink in my underwear while I flip through a back issue of Cherry, I don't want to hear any lip about it. I lived with a girl once after college and all she ever did was complain that the toilet was filthy. I never understood that. The toilet. Is for. SHITTING IN! Who cares if it's clean?! Basically, I'm living the dream right now. But I gots a problem GN. I've been talking to this girl on MySpace for a while and she's smokin' hot (although she looks kinda bigger and older in her "tagged photos" on Facebook but those are probably just weird angles). We're supposed to maybe meet up for a coffee or something sometime. I'm worried that she's too into me and I don't want to get sucked into something that messes up the good thing I got going on. So my question is: Should I just hit it and quit it?

Thanks man,
PikeBro69


Dear PikeBro69,

Dewd. Wtf?! I think you already answered your own question here. Don't you understand? You made it out alive! While most of your buddies are changing diapers and BEGGING to hit the range on Saturday, you're doing want comes natch. It's your life, you SHOULD do as you please. You're a fucking man for Christ's sake. Why even risk screwing it up by going on that date? Is a little piece worth it? Hell naw. Sounds like you're doin' just fine as is. I was flipping though the new GQ in the john the other day and got so wrapped up in the article about Channing Tatum, which is an excellent article. GQ is always so on point with what guy's guys are into.



Check out homeboy's abs! Oh shit! I could work out 24/7 and never get that cut. Channing's in that new G.I. Joe movie, which I wasn't going to see until I read the article. He seems super cool and down to earth. And plus, he's got the total action hero body. Can't wait to check out the movie. I'll probably go with some of my buddies 'cause chicks just aren't down for any good movies. Sorry, but I GOTTA tell you this story about when me and Karl were at the first Transformers. We only had enough cash on us to get one large popcorn and when I went to the bathroom, Karl put a hole in the popcorn bucket and stuck his dick through it. He totally played it cool until I went for a handful about halfway through and that's when I ended up getting a big handful of Karl's boner! It was so buttery and unsuspected that I must've put my hand back in the popcorn bucket 6 or 7 times until I realized what he did and then I was like, you asshole! I threw him on the ground and we were fighting until an usher tossed us out. Fucking classic Karl!

So anyway, the other day I was flipping through the new GQ in the john, and I got so wrapped up in that article that I forgot to flush until I got home from work. You think some chick woulda put up with that?

Don't hit it. Don't quit it. Just keep livin' the life bro!

-GN

Guys' Night Advice Column #2: Models

It's the #2 edition of your #1 spot for hot guy on guy advice!

Dear Guys' Night,

First off, big fan.

Secondly, I got in troubs over the weekend when I took home a gal from the club who was WAY out of my league. Like, a total model. I attached a photo I took of her on my iPhizzo from that night if you don't believe me.



Easily the hottest babe I've ever scored. But, when we hopped into the sack, my, um, "equipment" wouldn't work properly. I'm only 26 and have never had this problem with any of the regular grossouts I usually bag. How can I make sure this doesn't happen again?! Helps!

Thanks,
-Almost Scored With A Model Bro!




Dear ASWAMB,

That babe is slammin'!

Sounds like you have a confidence problem. That bangin' model was probably just a little intimidating and your junk got a bad case of the cut and run.

Here's an exercise that alot of my friends do that I think will help your sitch. Next time you're hanging out with your buddies watching the game, try to get the biggest erection you can in your pants. Then flop it out and make everyone look at it, bobbing it up and down, side to side and whatnot. See how long you can maintain your full member. Make a game out of it for fun and ask some of your buddies if they want to join in. $20 to the winner! Sex and boners shouldn't be so serious like they are when you're cuddling up with that fox. Then, next time you get lucky with a 10, you can just close your eyes in the sack and pretend you're with your friends, all waving hard dongs around and cutting up in the living room. That'll help take the edge off.

Thanks for reading and never quit shooting for the top of the tail pile!

-GN



Dear Guy's Night, My Axe Body Spray only seems to attract men. What's the best scent to get the panties dropped?

-Darryl


Dear Darryl,

Nothing wrong with making some new buds. Keep smellin' as is! Why are you trying to attract so many women? Do you want some more errands to run on the weekend or something?!

-GN

Guys' Night Advice Column #1: BOD Man. Really Ripped Abs.

You asked for it (like 4 people), you got it! It's the Guys' Night Advice Column, every Monday at Midwestern Nightmares. The advice column where it's just one guy helpin' outta another guy. No big deal.

Here we go!

Dear Guys' Night,

Me and my girlfriend lead pretty busy lives. We don't really have time to see each other much, so we try to make a point on the weekends. But lately, our Friday nights have pretty much consisted of us watching House Hunters four times in a row, eating a frozen pizza, then falling asleep.

How can I breach the subject of me wanting sex without it turning into some big deal?

-Just Some Guy


Dear JSG,

Sounds like you have a case of the comfy couple blues. What you need to do, is show her you're still a hot commodity on the schoolyard and she should treat you like you deserve. The next time you're heading over to the ol' cold potato's for your bummer Friday night, make sure you show up in your freshest Tap Out tee, DOUSED in Axe Body Spray or better yet, BOD. (I like "Really Ripped Abs")






Smellin' all fine as hell, settle in for some sensitive lady tv as per usual, but have one of your pals make a preplanned phone call. Tell her how you totally forgot it was Dave or Tony or whatever's birthday, and you've gotta get down to PJ McFlanno's ASAP! First off, if she doesn't understand that it's important to your buds, then she can get the curb and tell her you gotta go anyway. Deal with it next Friday. But, if she's into it and wants to come with, make sure you tell her you gotta go RIGHT NOW, not next Tuesday after she spray paints her face. It's important that you really hammer home what a grossout she looks like in her fatso sweats so she'll feel really bad about herself and stays put.

Now cut the fuck out and get to the bar. Guy's Night!

Don't hesitate to really do it up with shots of Jaeg Bombers and what not. Make the night all about guys just being guys. You are pussy hounds on the hound for some puss! That'll make your old bag really jealous. Girls can sense that shit. Maybe you and the boys can bend over a little extra while shooting some stick for the ladies, maybe drop a few tabs and go out in the parking lot to "piss on the dumbster" but then you really just show each other your dicks and see who can get a hard on the fastest and whoever wins makes the other guys stroke it, just for a little or something? Yeah. That'll show her.

Then maybe you all get in Dave's truck and see if you can have a wrestling match in that tight space with your clothes off and the heat all the way up. Loser has to jack it while Celine Dion plays and the other guys video tape it. Now we're talkin' Guy's Night! No big deal!

After you boys are done ragin', go back to that snoozefest all fucked up with a small jizz stain on your pants, but tell her it's just sour cream from all the 'chos you were chowing down to celebrate. She'll be suspicious, but won't be able to prove nothin', 'cause you didn't do nothin' wrong! Ha! Just guys bein' guys!

Hope this helps out!

-GN